Apprehensive...Yes

So I'm in FL...with my crazy, complicated, dysfunctional, lovable, and wonderful family. This year has been a year of additions...so many little and beautiful faces that it amazes me that I was once that age... being 3, 4 or 5 without any worries...no thought in the world about how others felt about me...how others looked at me...whether or not I was perfect enough or pretty enough...none of that. I remember thinking howI wanted to be older...like my cousins who I thought were so grown...so great...so mature. Being too young to truly realize the problems and issues that only seem to continue to arise as you get older. Of course, I can't go back in time, and go back to that place where I once was...but it is nice to think about it.
Christmas is only a day away...simply a day away. I've shopped sooo much. I've always loved the mall and Christmas shopping. The crowds....the sales...the excitement of it all. I wish I had unlimited funds to completely buy out everything...but of course, that's a dream deferred...lol. Christmas time is known as a time of giving....not necessarily to recieve....but to give. Of course, the giving part seems to be a lot harder than the recieving... but I've gotten better. I realize though this year I've given a lot of "me" up. I've sacrificed a number of things in order to please everyone else around me. Going to SCSU for example... which wasn't necessarily a choice but I shut up all complants because I knew that it was the best for me. I've somewhat been apprehensive about that choice, but I've met some wonderful people so hopefully I won't regret coming here. Relationship wise as well... I'm in such an unsure state. I want to love...and I want to be loved...but this is all happening way too fast for me. I'm still unsure of the way things worked out tonight...but hopefully it was a good decision. One of my biggest 'fears...among a long list...lol...is that I'll look back on my past and reflect...and wonder...why?? Why did I decide to do the things that I did? Why did I choose to go that route?

But I guess I can't focus on that now. I just have to live each day as it goes. And see what happens.... and only hope for the best.

By the way...thanks a ton AMM!! I needed to write tonight...or this morning...whatever this is...lol

Big Girl

So...

Today was pretty eventful.

I went to work this morning and I realized why I truly missed my job. I absolutely love my kids!!! Even though I had nothing but boys there today, it was great! They're so funny and I always know that even though I have to deal with a few runny noses, crying, and dirty diapers, I will always be in for a laugh! Anyway...so after work I went to go do some "errands". I've been in the negative for about two days ( "the negative" in reference to my bank account) and thus, I had to put in some money from my SECU account to my regular account. My parents don't know. And I don't intend that they find out. I mean, they tell me to "grow up" and that I need to become an "adult"...so I'm not running them to help me out AGAIN. It was so cold, and I went all the way down Hillsborough Street to the bank and then from the bank to my regular bank account. In order to go to the Bank of America, I had to pass the Y again...but I refused to do so because I didn't want anyone to see me walking from there....and I didn't want anyone to ask me if I needed a ride. So I decided to go through a neighborhood because I believed that it was a shortcut...was I wrong. It took me almost 30 minutes to get out of that neighborhood when it would have normally taken me about 15 minutes to get from the Yto the bank!! Augggh!! Ok whatever...so I go to the bank...and by this time...I'm hot from walking....I'm tired...and I'm pretty sure I smell of baby drool, outside, and other smells. So I walk into the bank and I don't have my account number...Ok...not too bad considering that I have my card. So he sees my account and shakes his head...like I already don't know I've overdrafted!!Then he decides to make a joke out of it... "Yeah that's pretty popular around this time of the year"...Fool! I didn't overdraft because I was spending money on OTHER people...I overdrafted because I was spending money on MYSELF...and because of a check...but that's a whole different story. So I finally got out of there and my dad picked me up from the library...where I was "at" the whole time lol.

I got to see my bestest friend in the entire world today too...for about 10 minutes!

So anyway, I think I'm going to add a post about this whole "growing up thing"...maybe later though...I have too much to do right now.

But as a way to make up for the previous events of my banking situation...I got a 4.0 this semester! Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes!

Fear

I realized what my two biggest fears are...

Rejection...

And...

Loneliness.

I really need to grow up.

Hmm...

So last night... I was awaken at like 2ish by a phone call, only to be confused even more....decisions decisions....which led to prayer prayer....which led only to me getting sleepy and not waking up until 15 minutes ago.

I'm tired of not knowing...

I'm tired of being confused...

My mind is telling me one thing...

My heart doesn't even know what to do.

I just want an answer...

First Thoughts...

So ok...

I haven't done this in a really long time, this blog thing....actually in years...

So this is new...Very new

The past few months of my life have been extremely interesting... probably the most interesting time in my life....ever

Going to college, I really thought a lot of questions I may have had about myself would be answered...but in fact, it's brought up more questions... I never realized how NOT in control I am of my life... its like everyday I wake up...look in the mirror...and wonder... "why can't I just plan what I want to do?"

Unfortunately, since my parents still continue to finanicially support me, whatever they say pretty much goes. The fact that I got a full scholarship doesn't seem to matter...at all...it makes no difference. But whatever...life goes on I guess.

I feel like many of my thoughts and actions are controlled my...someone else other than me. I try so hard to please everyone else, but at the end of the day...am I really pleasing myself?
I just want to leave the country for like 2 months...go somewhere...and just be by myself... but that's never going to happen...at least any time soon. I just want to figure out "who is chassidy?" "what does she really believe?"...not "What does so-and-so think of Chassidy?"

I have a lot to learn...this Christmas break with time by myself should be interesting