So I'm in FL...with my crazy, complicated, dysfunctional, lovable, and wonderful family. This year has been a year of additions...so many little and beautiful faces that it amazes me that I was once that age... being 3, 4 or 5 without any worries...no thought in the world about how others felt about me...how others looked at me...whether or not I was perfect enough or pretty enough...none of that. I remember thinking howI wanted to be older...like my cousins who I thought were so grown...so great...so mature. Being too young to truly realize the problems and issues that only seem to continue to arise as you get older. Of course, I can't go back in time, and go back to that place where I once was...but it is nice to think about it.
Christmas is only a day away...simply a day away. I've shopped sooo much. I've always loved the mall and Christmas shopping. The crowds....the sales...the excitement of it all. I wish I had unlimited funds to completely buy out everything...but of course, that's a dream deferred...lol. Christmas time is known as a time of giving....not necessarily to recieve....but to give. Of course, the giving part seems to be a lot harder than the recieving... but I've gotten better. I realize though this year I've given a lot of "me" up. I've sacrificed a number of things in order to please everyone else around me. Going to SCSU for example... which wasn't necessarily a choice but I shut up all complants because I knew that it was the best for me. I've somewhat been apprehensive about that choice, but I've met some wonderful people so hopefully I won't regret coming here. Relationship wise as well... I'm in such an unsure state. I want to love...and I want to be loved...but this is all happening way too fast for me. I'm still unsure of the way things worked out tonight...but hopefully it was a good decision. One of my biggest 'fears...among a long list...lol...is that I'll look back on my past and reflect...and wonder...why?? Why did I decide to do the things that I did? Why did I choose to go that route?
But I guess I can't focus on that now. I just have to live each day as it goes. And see what happens.... and only hope for the best.
By the way...thanks a ton AMM!! I needed to write tonight...or this morning...whatever this is...lol