"SMMMMMMACCCCK!"
Yeah that's the sound when the wonderful thing called "reality" hits you right in the face....
Happened TWICE today...
I've begun a new path of not being so much of an optimist anymore...hoping that "everything will be ok" and that "everything will turn out right"...
Yeah I'm starting to become more of a "realist"...
Look out... ;-)
Monday, February 25, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Disappointment
So yet another disappointment...
I realized something last night... at like 1:45 am... I don't adapt well to change... AT ALL. Its unfortunate because I wish that I could be able to do it... I know that these next few months will definitely be a challenge. I never realized how hurt I've been by the previous-relationship-that-shall-remain-nameless until this morning. When yet another disappointment came knocking on my head. I have to become better with this change thing... oh well... another thing I have to work on I guess.
I guess the hardest thing for me is that I know that I have to grow as a person... but my clock is ticking...or maybe that's my problem. I'm running life like it's a sprint instead of chilling like its a jog...I don't know. I think I had this idea that after college, I would go to grad school, and while in grad school I would get married. Get a great job. Have gorgeous children. Have a wonderful husband, who is fine, loves me, and is a doctor...or a lawyer...or holds some occupation making a ton of money...lol
I was told today in a text sent by a great and wonderful person, "Adaptability to change is a skill set necessary to survive in today's ever changing and unforseen situations...obviously u do not, and very well may not EVER possess such a talent...being that all you seem to comprehend is drawn out textbook material as if the world always truly operates that way."
As much I like to admit when I'm right, and as much I hate to admit when I'm wrong... I must say... he...is correct.
This summer shall be interesting...
I realized something last night... at like 1:45 am... I don't adapt well to change... AT ALL. Its unfortunate because I wish that I could be able to do it... I know that these next few months will definitely be a challenge. I never realized how hurt I've been by the previous-relationship-that-shall-remain-nameless until this morning. When yet another disappointment came knocking on my head. I have to become better with this change thing... oh well... another thing I have to work on I guess.
I guess the hardest thing for me is that I know that I have to grow as a person... but my clock is ticking...or maybe that's my problem. I'm running life like it's a sprint instead of chilling like its a jog...I don't know. I think I had this idea that after college, I would go to grad school, and while in grad school I would get married. Get a great job. Have gorgeous children. Have a wonderful husband, who is fine, loves me, and is a doctor...or a lawyer...or holds some occupation making a ton of money...lol
I was told today in a text sent by a great and wonderful person, "Adaptability to change is a skill set necessary to survive in today's ever changing and unforseen situations...obviously u do not, and very well may not EVER possess such a talent...being that all you seem to comprehend is drawn out textbook material as if the world always truly operates that way."
As much I like to admit when I'm right, and as much I hate to admit when I'm wrong... I must say... he...is correct.
This summer shall be interesting...
Monday, February 18, 2008
Poetry
- So, tonight I decided to enter into the poetry concert at school...was a nice little event, and I did a poem I had previously read before (Succumb to Red) in high school. I realized how much I missed writing and reciting poetry. I know I haven't wrote any in a while because... I felt as if I didn't have anything to write about. But whatever. I just got a new topic about... 15 minutes ago...
I have issues with jealousy.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Rainy Nights
So...
Tonight is one of those rainy, stormy nights... I've always had a thing for storms at night, they usually help me sleep better...and they feel so good to listen to!
This past week/weekend was pretty fun... to say the least. Saturday night was probably the best night I've had here this semester...well at least during the weekend. After spending about 1 hr. at a "Trini" party, and the campus police ending that (lol) I went to hang out with a few friends...which soon turned into a spontaneous, "private" party...what...a...night.
I didn't go to bed until 5:21...at least that's the last time I saw before I realized I was sleep.
So to rewind things a little bit... Valentine's Day was ok for me... My little ones gave me some candy, and so did my girls. However, I did and said somethings that I realize only show the true state of my immaturity...I really do need to grow up. However, like any wrongdoings, I knew I needed to apologize...and I did...which led to a 3 1/2 hour conversation...and I finally got some things off of my chest which I needed to do. It felt relieving.
Sometimes I think things would be so much easier if people would stop, and think about how short life is. How much time can be wasted by not... hurrying up. Within these past few weeks, I definitely feel like I've "hurried up and waited"... and I'm definitely tired of it. I want results...now!...but... I know I have to wait.
Being single is ok too... I guess... I do kinda miss those late night chats... and having someone to cuddle with... but whatever... I'll be ok... :-)
Only time will tell with me though...I'm a Gemini...and known to have a pretty impatient personality...
Tonight is one of those rainy, stormy nights... I've always had a thing for storms at night, they usually help me sleep better...and they feel so good to listen to!
This past week/weekend was pretty fun... to say the least. Saturday night was probably the best night I've had here this semester...well at least during the weekend. After spending about 1 hr. at a "Trini" party, and the campus police ending that (lol) I went to hang out with a few friends...which soon turned into a spontaneous, "private" party...what...a...night.
I didn't go to bed until 5:21...at least that's the last time I saw before I realized I was sleep.
So to rewind things a little bit... Valentine's Day was ok for me... My little ones gave me some candy, and so did my girls. However, I did and said somethings that I realize only show the true state of my immaturity...I really do need to grow up. However, like any wrongdoings, I knew I needed to apologize...and I did...which led to a 3 1/2 hour conversation...and I finally got some things off of my chest which I needed to do. It felt relieving.
Sometimes I think things would be so much easier if people would stop, and think about how short life is. How much time can be wasted by not... hurrying up. Within these past few weeks, I definitely feel like I've "hurried up and waited"... and I'm definitely tired of it. I want results...now!...but... I know I have to wait.
Being single is ok too... I guess... I do kinda miss those late night chats... and having someone to cuddle with... but whatever... I'll be ok... :-)
Only time will tell with me though...I'm a Gemini...and known to have a pretty impatient personality...
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
:-(
So I realized that next week at this time will be Valentine's Day...
I know I'm supposed to be in this period of growth and be content with being by myself but...
I'm not all the way there yet and I think I'm going to be really...lonely.
That thought didn't hit me until today... :-(
I know I'm supposed to be in this period of growth and be content with being by myself but...
I'm not all the way there yet and I think I'm going to be really...lonely.
That thought didn't hit me until today... :-(
Monday, February 4, 2008
Focusing on A New Reality
^^ That seems to be my new motto lately...
Wow... I haven't wrote in a while...I promised myself that I would keep up on my posts...but I've been a little lazy. I kinda forgot how enriching it is to just write and let all of my feelings out. But w/e...I guess that's the way things can be sometimes. Anyway, the past few weeks have been pretty eventful. I decided that certain changes needed to be made...and with those changes, I've never felt better. I've been worried for so long that I couldn't make these changes...and I guess I was anticipating to be hurt and be in so much pain emotionally that... I didn't want to let go. However, I knew that I had to. And it hurt... I've never realized how lonely it can be, not speaking to someone right before you lay your head down to go to sleep. But I know as time progresses, I should be ok. I'm focusing on me right now...I've been working out a lot more than I normally do, becoming more involved in the school, and I'm even going to Colorado State for a "cultural excursion"...which should be fun...I'm pretty excited.
So about this focusing on me thing... I never realized how much I lost myself throughout my past relationship...I became someone who I never thought I was capable of being...weak...passive...inconsistent with being truthful with myself...and as time went on, I knew that I would eventually lose myself because I was so afraid of losing another person. But...how can you truly love someone and be committed to another human being when you can't even love yourself to your entirety...you can't committ to doing things just for the sake of doing them for YOU? Exactly...you can't...it's impossible.
Unfortunately, I've also come to the realization that somethings just aren't meant to be. I've been a witness to so many of relationships where someone has just fought and fought and fought...and for what? We're so young...what are we fighting for? Let's just live life...seriously.
And another thing... getting back to my new motto^^^ My new reality is simply me...I'm 18 years old...beautiful (i think lol)...smart...and headed for a life full of success...while I don't know what life has in store for me, I do know that whatever it is it'll be wonderful.
My new reality is simply not worrying what other people think of me. Not focusing so much on the opposite sex. I have time...I mean, when I'm 42 and all alone...then I'll complain lol
My new reality is being content with being single. Being content with going out and having fun. My new reality is looking in the mirror before I leave admiring myself...and not so focused on looking good for "him" (whoever "him" is)
My new reality is being a better big sister to my brother...and a better daughter.
My new reality is going to church more often...which sadly, wasn't a priority really 1st semester. But it's amazing how church can change everything.
My new reality is setting higher standards and higher goals for myself. Not undermining who I am and what I am. Aiming only for the stars.
My new reality is finally... becoming...stronger.
Wow... I haven't wrote in a while...I promised myself that I would keep up on my posts...but I've been a little lazy. I kinda forgot how enriching it is to just write and let all of my feelings out. But w/e...I guess that's the way things can be sometimes. Anyway, the past few weeks have been pretty eventful. I decided that certain changes needed to be made...and with those changes, I've never felt better. I've been worried for so long that I couldn't make these changes...and I guess I was anticipating to be hurt and be in so much pain emotionally that... I didn't want to let go. However, I knew that I had to. And it hurt... I've never realized how lonely it can be, not speaking to someone right before you lay your head down to go to sleep. But I know as time progresses, I should be ok. I'm focusing on me right now...I've been working out a lot more than I normally do, becoming more involved in the school, and I'm even going to Colorado State for a "cultural excursion"...which should be fun...I'm pretty excited.
So about this focusing on me thing... I never realized how much I lost myself throughout my past relationship...I became someone who I never thought I was capable of being...weak...passive...inconsistent with being truthful with myself...and as time went on, I knew that I would eventually lose myself because I was so afraid of losing another person. But...how can you truly love someone and be committed to another human being when you can't even love yourself to your entirety...you can't committ to doing things just for the sake of doing them for YOU? Exactly...you can't...it's impossible.
Unfortunately, I've also come to the realization that somethings just aren't meant to be. I've been a witness to so many of relationships where someone has just fought and fought and fought...and for what? We're so young...what are we fighting for? Let's just live life...seriously.
And another thing... getting back to my new motto^^^ My new reality is simply me...I'm 18 years old...beautiful (i think lol)...smart...and headed for a life full of success...while I don't know what life has in store for me, I do know that whatever it is it'll be wonderful.
My new reality is simply not worrying what other people think of me. Not focusing so much on the opposite sex. I have time...I mean, when I'm 42 and all alone...then I'll complain lol
My new reality is being content with being single. Being content with going out and having fun. My new reality is looking in the mirror before I leave admiring myself...and not so focused on looking good for "him" (whoever "him" is)
My new reality is being a better big sister to my brother...and a better daughter.
My new reality is going to church more often...which sadly, wasn't a priority really 1st semester. But it's amazing how church can change everything.
My new reality is setting higher standards and higher goals for myself. Not undermining who I am and what I am. Aiming only for the stars.
My new reality is finally... becoming...stronger.
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